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[10 Dec 2008|10:30pm] |
i dont feel good today. i feel lowly.
very, very, lowly.
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[01 Dec 2008|02:46am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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ej sarro is everything ive wanted and everything ive needed. never did i think i would find such a gentlemen, and at such a time. i wasnt looking... i wasnt expecting...
and this is what i get-- i get a beautiful gift. i get what i deserve.
and he has found me. and i am just the right fit for him.
this is the "click" ive been waiting forever for. i thought i found it, but.. it was wrong on so many levels. i was forcing it.. and i think he was as well.... we "unclicked" so long before we officially ended it.
i am getting healthier now. i am happier. i hope mister joe finds such a love, and finds such a future. i hope the best for him.
all of his cruel words, statements, bulletins, away messages, whatever the such.... i hope they stop. enough is enough. hes embarassing himself...
lets grow up. lets stop being bitter.
lets end the animosity. enough is enough is enough.
and god is good.
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[20 Aug 2008|09:14am] |
i managed to turn yesterday into an amazing dayyyyy.
cag meg & sam
bry enz migz & matt
kim & metro
dunkin, mall, houses, driving.
had such a great day off seeing all these people and living my life. i laughed the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY and all through the night. i needed it. big time. and it felt incredible. i have good life, i realize. and people fucking respect me.
cag meg and kim- thanks. cause i know your reading this.
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[19 Aug 2008|04:29pm] |
so i facebook messaged that girl liz so she knows the deal. im done with all of this. so done. lets see if she has the decency to be understanding. here it is:
********************************************
ok so u want me to message you? fine and dandy.
first? maybe you get to know me before you judge me. ill give you some facts that you can have some fun with :)
1.i have a degree in interior design.
2.i have an amazing job and i make ass loads of money. fuck, we're designing derek jeters house.
3. just got my own apartment- almost 21 and i can already make it on my own.
4. i have a bomb ass car
5. im really cool. i dont judge anyone. im open minded. easy to get along with. happy go lucky. funny. sensitive. AWESOME.
6. i dont do drugs :)
7. my mom is almost blind, and is really sick. ive been indipendant since 8th grade. so i can hold my own and i dont need anyone to survive.
8. im talented, creative, successful, and inteligent. i can sing. write. and i have a clothing label in develpment.
9. im very down to earth and can be compationate to almost anyones situation and im always listen to peoples problems and try to help them out.
10. i have an amazing group of friends and an amazing family who love me, and theres a reason for it. theyre fucking proud.
so thats basically who i am. oh and i may be chubby right now, but ever stop to think i might have health problems? because thats why ive gained 20 lbs in a year. thanks. so the fat jokes really arent cool.
obviously im something special for joe to have been with for almost three years. the kid and i were in so much love. and he knows it, and after the dust settles, hell always remember me as his very first love.
on the real- i never disliked you or anyone for any reason whatsoever. but when joe starts lying and ditching me when i need him most, to go hang with you people, i associate you guys with that, and of corse it bothers me.
if you must know- i got a restraining order on joe because he was harrasing me and being really nasty. you think im a stalker because i look at my facebook notifications and see you ppl commented? ask joe about how he 'stalked' me in the past.
the kid and i had such an amazing love for each other and we were by each others side through everything.
soooo this summer, he lies to me to chill with you guys, which would be fine if i was told instead of lied to. doesnt invite me to a party even tho i spent the weekend with him. after his 1000000 appologies i figured id let him try to fix things again. all his doing. thats why i dropped the restraining order- i thought hed change.
him and i were supersuper close for 3 years-best friends- so for him to not invite me is a huge dis. it was a rec party? i can name at least 5 ppl who were there that didnt work rec. so- good game. call it what u must. i should have been there. its a respect issue.
and since that day, hes totally blown me off, without closure, aside from this stupid fucking facebook drama.
so, sorry if my panties are in a twist because of this. the kid begged for me back, i gave him that chance, then he fucked me over.
emotional rollercoaster much?
joe and i are done- hes hookin up with some other girl, whatever whatever. and thats fine. but at least i know that i didnt do this. all i tried to do is be with the kid and make shit work and listen to all the things he said to me about how bad he wanted this.
im not a bad person and this shit talking need not continue. i have my shit strait. im good in every aspect of life aside from the fact that joe randomly pulled me back into his life just to break my heart.
so im wrong for being hurt? not really. its natural. and you guys talking mad shit, whether it be to support him or what, is not fucking right. its not tough. and it makes u look like complete bitches.
i gave you ten reasons above why im bomb, and not a scumbag cunt motherfucker to be calling names and talking shit about. so if you continue, realize your lowing yourself for talking shit about a person because of your own issues.
also remember that what goes around, comes around. and when you and jared broke up, if people had done this to you.. it wouldnt make shit easier.
im already going through a breakup as it is where a kid randomly just fucked me over after almost 3 years of memories love and passion, i really dont need the childish name calling.
i commented on the photo to prove a point to HIM. not to instigate shit with you kids. didnt mean for it to seem that way.
and for the record, joe did appologize the next day for not inviting me. so ethically and morally, it IS a fucked up move. and he knows it. no matter how tough it makes him and you guys look, it really is a shitbrick thing to do to someone.
so honestly liz, if you and your friends continue being bitches after im asking you to cut the bull, thats a problem. understand what im going through right now.
if joe wants you, fine. ill admit- your a pretty girl. i wont hate, ill congratulate. have your fun.
but fact remains that i have the world by the balls and its no skin off my back.
enjoy the rest of your summer.
truce.
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| facebook thread. cruel bitches. real cool. joe- very nice ;) |
[19 Aug 2008|03:50pm] |
elicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 8:45pm on August 15th, 2008
i loveee usss
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 9:13pm on August 15th, 2008
okay i really like this onee ♥ im gonna miss all you guyss =[
Joe Schuck (North Jersey, NJ) wrote
at 9:17pm on August 15th, 2008
um... we all live in the same town currently.
and when you move, i don't personally have a problem visiting.
idk about them, but i don't.
Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 12:53am on August 16th, 2008
im gunna visit her joe you can come withh me. road trip!
Tara Puntasecca wrote
at 3:28pm on August 17th, 2008
aww the party i wasnt invited to :(
Delete
Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 4:06pm on August 17th, 2008
hmmm i wonder why....HAHA
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 4:07pm on August 17th, 2008
& whats even funnier is you still showed up hahah! i lovee you silvvvvvvv <333
Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 4:43pm on August 17th, 2008
i think its time to get over it and move on maybe thats why you werent invited && i love my rec lovess
Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 8:12pm on August 17th, 2008
Who the Fuck is Tara Puntasecca?
She didnt work wit us did she? haa
Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 8:26pm on August 17th, 2008
i love you jonn
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 8:28pm on August 17th, 2008
you guys make my life! i love you guyss <33
Joe Schuck (North Jersey, NJ) wrote
at 1:57pm yesterday
LOL John. ah i love you all<3333333
(one 3 for each of you in that heart haha)
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:05pm yesterday
tomorrow night guys were all getting WRECKLESSSS for my goodbye party and goodbye to rec cuz idk if any of us are going back next year im leaving it here cuz i know every1 will get it no excuses you better be there im not gonna leave all the info here but msg.. im.. text.. comment me or jon for infoo get readyyy for a shitt showwwww <333 you guysss
Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:06pm yesterday
comment or message me if u ready to get fucked
this aint a game i am the motherfuckin pussy monster
and if i dont fuck wit u stay home
holllllllllllllllllllla cheyson aka chey-z
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:07pm yesterday
lmfaooo jonn i love you
Joe Schuck (North Jersey, NJ) wrote
at 7:15pm yesterday
AHAHA chey. yeah we shouldn't have done it on this picture, we might get stalked now rofl.
someone just give me a time, i get out of work at around 9. i can be ready 15 minutes from when i get out, and then destruction ensues.. oh my fucking god i'm gonna get tanked :)
(no bathroom sleeping this time though)
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:19pm yesterday
no bathroom sleeping joe thats rule #1 this time and why do you think i said im not writing any info here thats for all the pathetic creepers who just likee to show up at parties when their clearly not wanted there dont worry i got your back joee! get readyyy i dont think im ready im gonna be swassstedddddd kidsss =]
Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:22pm yesterday
yay im so excited & this time no stalkers thank you very much ;]
Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 7:22pm yesterday
i guess i cant come cause jon doesnt fuck with me no more ?
Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:23pm yesterday
your coming you cant have the tripod show up withouut youu
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:24pm yesterday
your comming this is my going away party idc what jon says.. yes i said it idc what you say chey shes comming
Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:26pm yesterday
Dont call me Chey or Jon call me Mr. LawnMowerrrr
Fear - 2 teams ( 1 guys 1 Girls)
Deck of cards in middle, each person from the teams choose a card..person with lowest card looses and the Winning team chooses a dare for them...You dont have to do the dare but if you dont you have to replace it with 2 shots
Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:27pm yesterday
im down me liz and silve against you joe and alexx i think we will win ;]
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:27pm yesterday
& baseball babieeeeee getting "super crunk" in "mr. lawnmowers" words
Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:28pm yesterday
im fucking readyyy for tomorrow
Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:29pm yesterday
who said silv can come? lmfaooo
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:30pm yesterday
i did screw you jon if silv doesnt come neither will me or fe so have fun at your sausage fest
Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:31pm yesterday
idc ill have other bitches there are u stupid?
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:32pm yesterday
okay you do that f u peace
Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 7:33pm yesterday
nooo girls its ok goooo. we can party another time.im a stupid lyin bitch im not welcomed. go get fucked up for me =)
Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:34pm yesterday
lmaoooooo im not worrrrried
so u guys stop crying just come idc whos there its not that seriussssssss
and if u ahve my sn stop commenting this photo lol its annnoyin
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:34pm yesterday
im not going if you dont so im not worried let them invite other girls will get fucked up here without them =]
Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:36pm yesterday
ok then liz peace
Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 7:40pm yesterday
lizzzzzzz please this party is for u. just goooooo its not that serious.wednesday night well have a grls night ! .. u cant jus not show up to ur own partyyy lol
Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:42pm yesterday
i love you all jon says he doesnt care who goes so we are all going and girls we are going ot kick their asses in fear,pong,baseball and whatver else they want to play hah
Joe Schuck (North Jersey, NJ) wrote
at 7:46pm yesterday
The day you guys beat us in anything more than make-up, I'll kill myself haha.
And I'm not going if silv doesn't go. And that means potts doesn't go either :)
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:47pm yesterday
im pretty sick at baseball ask fe silv and jon so get readyy
Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:47pm yesterday
everyone is going everyone need to stop this madness
Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 7:48pm yesterday
guys enough with the comments lol.. joeee ur goinggg.. homie u live right around the block illl see ya sooon !! its not that serious.joe watch out for liz shes sick in baseballl lol
Tara Puntasecca wrote
at 9:59pm yesterday
oookay, sons of bitches.
you dont know me. you dont know the situation him and i were in. you dont know MY side. so go ahead, judge, make fun, say whatever shit you want. but your ignorant for it.
because im amazing and so much better then all of this.
Delete
Tara Puntasecca wrote
at 10:01pm yesterday
and if you want to talk shit, get my number from joe, and call me. say it TO me instead of ganging up on me with your peabrains to try and make me feel small.
scum suckin worms:)
over it.
Delete
Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 12:36am
if oyu are so amazing, better then this and over it why are you leaving comments just ignore us then if were just scum sucking worms. if you really want to start with the name calling we can all start calling each names you stupid whale. and your side is that he ditches you every summer for us. if you werent such a crazy bitch then maybe he wouldnt have to lie to you. therefore im done wiht this fight. i love you all thanks byee
Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 12:42am
ur the one who walked into the party thinkin u owned the place. it was a summer rec party, last time i checked u werent my coworker. ur amazing nd so much better then this? HA come on ur the one who commented the pics first. maybe u should stop blaming ur failed relationship on others, check urself honey. oh man im scurrd now r u gnna put a restraining order on me now??
♥ the scum suckin worm ;)
Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 4:06am
no1 fucks wit silv fee or liz so this tara chick is fucking annoyin
look ma stop talkkin to my girls no1 fucks wit u and thats it holy fucking shittt eeryone stop commeting this fuckin pics and lets jus get fuckin super fucked uppppppppppppp on tuess
Joe Schuck (North Jersey, NJ) wrote
at 11:39am
Listen. Can we all just stop fucking commenting this god damn picture?? Every time I get stalked and commented, my fucking inbox gets filled up. Chey wins, they lose.
STOP STALKING MEEEEE
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 12:14pm
first off i love alll of you fe silv jon & joe! you make my fucking life! and just cuz everyone else commented it im going to =]
alright i know you think your all special or something cuz your joes ex girlfriend thinking your hot shit commenting our pictures from a party that you clearly weren't invited to and showed up anyways and no i dont know you but i dont need to know you if any one is a scum sucking worm (which was really creative btw you sound like a fucking two year old) its you.. showing up at joes house calling him out in front of all of us thinking your the shit welll listen honey your not! you wanna know the fucking truth wanna know why every summer your realtionship with joe went to shit because I was there.. your boyfriend wanted ME every summer.. and i really think you should leave him alone now he clearly is with someone else as you say last night.. haha
Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 12:16pm
so if your gonna message anyone blaming failed realtionships on them it should be me not fe because im amazing and so much better then YOU. clearly have a nice day =]
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[19 Aug 2008|10:36am] |
nightmare. tell me it was just a nightmare. tell me this is all jsut a bad dream..
no ones going to tell me...
to see him kiss her like that. and knowing theyve only known each other for, whatd he say, 4 days? if he was kissing her so passionately outside before she left... what were they doing when they were in the house together.......
i cant handle this. i really cant. there was no closure... what did i EVER REALLY DO TO HIM? i cried when my lips hit another guys lips last summer. but he sure didnt look like he was crying......
i tried moving on last summer because i felt i HAD to. not because i wanted to. here again... he wanted to.
its not even like they went out to a movie or anything. he had her in his house, late at night... and im sure they both knew why.
im disgusted. especially after thinking about what we did a week ago.... has he just forgotton?
i never thought one single person could destroy me like this.
how did he meet her? why are things moving so fast with them? is she just a rebound? is he really not thinking about me..........
granted i know the relationship was terrible this summer. but i cant say it was all my fault. if he hadnt been acting how he was.. i wouldnt have had to put a restraining order. late june i remember all i wanted was to spend quality time with him. i saw in june that things were starting to get bad.
i knew that night at fridays when he told me that hed be doing summer rec, that this would be a terrible summer. in june he had been playing alot of wow and taking eric with us everywhere we went and we fought about it then because i wanted quality time with him. i wanted adult time. i wanted to go on dates... i wanted him. i wanted to experience him. as i always did.... i drove there almost every night, over and over again, for 3 years to experience life WITH him. and i blew alot of people off to do that. but it was worth it to me....
when he needed his space in July, i knew something was up. i knew something was wrong inside of him. i just knew it. he chose a different path......... the life he wanted to live didnt have room for me in it....
i close my eyes and i see him kissing her.......... i shudder. i shake. i tremble.
i feel like my heart is on crutches. theres a constant thump in my chest. actually, my hearts fallen down into my stomach. i just looked across the room and saw alfred winston...........
did he already get her an alfred winston? do they already have jokes? has he layed there holding her hand....
i bet she layed on MY spot on his chest.
i never deserved any of this.................
i cant even function. todays my day off and i just cant move. i have things to do but i just cant get up. i slept for 5 hours and i might as well not have. every time i woke up in the middle of the night, that thump was still in my chest.
i need someone to hold me.... i need someone to make me feel worthwile again.
i need someone to give a fuck. i need someone to see that im NOT a bad person and all i ever wanted was love. thats the only thing i ever wanted. i tried my best to make him happy. i thought getting this new job would be it for us.
will he be taking her to grand luxe cafe? will he be taking her to see badal................
tears are streaming down my face. how can he watch our movies with someone else? will SHE be allowed up in his room with him? will his parents like her better.......
i think theyd like a rooster over me.
i wish i could feel my limbs. i wish i could be a big girl about this and stop crying.
but i also wish i had my true love back.
i wish none of this ever happened and life would give us two a second chance, and erase all the garbage that happened.
i wish he understood what im going through, enough to appologize......
i wish i can hear his voice and make him laugh and take him to the cliffs and relive the first kiss again. i wish i could bring him miclas. i wish i could do all theses things we did all over again. i wish i could replay the good times with him from the last 3 years of my life.
i wish i was better... i wish i knew better... i wish i was the kind of girl that would make him want to be a better man.
to think... hes probably okay with his friends calling me a whale and all this shit. hes okay with hurting me and hes ok with other people he knows hurting me. how is it, that in a week, in a MONTH even, someone can go from loving you dearly to absolutely hating you and being a total DOUCHEBAG.
i dont deserve this..................................................................
im a sensitive soul who wants to find her counterpart.
all ive wanted since i was five was someone to hold me and love me forever. looks like im heartbroken again. looks like im a loser again. looks like im a FOOL. once. again.
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[19 Aug 2008|05:31am] |
i believe i counted 10 photos of us kissing in that video.
if i had known it was going to come to this, i would have taken more.
i would have taken way more.
no kisses will ever be shared between us again....
never again will i taste you tasting me.
i should have taken more photos.. i should have done a lot of things..
i should have seen this coming..
i dont know if i can ever kiss another.
i dont know if i will ever be able to sleep.
its 5:33 am.
im traumatized...
i'd rather be in a car wreck. because at least then, people give a fuck if your in pain..
maybe if i died youd show up at my funeral...
idk how im supposed to move out in 2 weeks.
this apartment im moving into was supposed to be yours, mine, and kims.
i should have known right away when you backed out of that, that you would shortly be doing this to me...
i should have seen all the signs....
but im not a superhero. i cant see through bullshit. how was i to know THIS was on the other side of all the lies about love you were feeding me.
maybe i should stop breathing.
maybe then hed care about what he did to me...
and more importantly, what he did to my heart...... and my soul.
oh, god, help me.
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| i never thought life would torture my heart. i never expected this. |
[19 Aug 2008|04:02am] |
i went to his house to talk to him, to clear things up, to see how he was. because he had been ignoring me again....
so i go there, thinking im waiting for someone to drop him off back at home from a party and instead this is what i see.....
the door opens. he and a girl walk down his front stairs. he walks her around the corner to where her car was... so i figure.. okay, ill wait for him to come back towards his house and ill talk to him. but, theyre taking a while. and at that point idk what to do. so i look around the corner and i see her laying down in the back seat and hes on top of her kissing her. i started to panic.
i never thought id ever have to see anything like that. i never though hed ever do something like this to me...
so i wait and wait and it feels like forever. then she finally leaves and i get a chance to talk to him... and he doesnt have a heart in his chest. he doesnt care about how devisted i am or how wrong or fucked up he is.
this whole summer... he dicked me around. he needed breaks from me to go to parties, he treated me like shit until his birthday rolled around and he wanted me to go out with his family. then he tries to mend thing, and i let him. until one day he got real bad, and scared me, and i had to put the restraining order on him. then, he writes all these lovely things in livejournal and makes a movie of all out pictures and shows that he really wants me back. and again i give him another chance to hang with me and prove his love... with actions, instead of text and words. i spend a weekend with him which went pretty well, until monday when he flips on me causing to flip on me and really upset me because hes put me on such an emotional roller coaster.
he doesnt invite me to his party and humiliates me. then doesnt talk to me for a few days....
when realy, i did NOTHING to deserve any of this......
and then i see what i saw tonight....
its 4 am and im still awake. and hes sleeping sound with thoughts of this new girl.
i dont know who she is, or care really. because shes not at fault. he is...
there was never closure on us, Joe. all i know is i was mad at you for not inviting me to the party and then you stopped talking to me.... and still wont. because of her....
i didnt deserve any of this....
all i wanted was a beautiful relationship, which we had. at times.. and its something that there was plenty of potential for... but, i dont even know.
i feel like im laying in the dirt and people keep coming up and beating on me.
i wish i knew what happened to my joey. i wish i knew what made him change... i wish i knew what made him fall out of love with me. i wish i knew the answers to everything.
something i will never understand is, how a person can genuinly stop caring about a person who they loved so much, and who loved them back. i cried so much tonight that i have no tears left and my mouth is dry.
ive never felt so terrible in my life. my chest feels hollow. i gave my heart, and my all to someone, and they ate it for breakfast.
he kissed another girl tonight.
his lips are saturated with another girls lust.
i dont get any of this lkfsd;lfkgeorigaef;gkl.
why did he hang out with me last week? to have sex with me? to use me? to what, joe?
i still see 23 everywhere. it makes my head spin......
we had so many plans. but they have all gone sour.
i dont know how i kept my cool tonight. i dont know how i just stood there shaking. i dont know how i didnt go over there and ruin it for him. i wish it was 2005 again, and he still thought i was special. and i wish i could hear him call me taramonster one last time.
i dont think anyone should ever have to experience this. seeing someone youve loved for 3 years kissing another girl. being with another girl. moving on. just a week after your lips were pressed so firmly together, holding each other tight, with hope that we would make it through this storm.
apparently, im not worth it. and its ok.... because hopefully before i die, ill be worth it to someone. someone will be enchanted by me....
i dont know how im supposed to function anymore. i dont know how im supposed to eat or smile or.... love again.
i dont think ill ever be ready to love again. love burned me. he burned me. and i think love is a joke now...
and this is coming from me, tara, the girl who all through high school wanted to bad to find her romeo. she waited and waited and finally.. he came. and he was just right. she found someone to cuddle with and smootch and go places with and hold hands with. someone to amaze with her words and someone to laugh with. someone to care about. i found someone to go places with and experience life with. i found someone who kept my heart beating. i found someone who ...........
i cant continue. im somehow able to cry again. i thought i was all cried out.........
<//////////////3
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[18 Aug 2008|09:52pm] |
un.fucking.believable.
the comments and shit that these people and that asshole were posting on facebook were UNBELIEVABLE.
like they have ANY idea what him and i went through.
i dont know who his away message is about but whoever it is, i hope theyre worth all this crap. 'o dear. its only been three days and im longing to feel your embrace'. who knows anymore.
its probably liz.
all i know, is it absolutely has to be a girl. i just know it. i know it.
i knew i shouldnt have came on the computer tonight.
and i should have known better about everything else.
i should have known better then to hang out with him. i just.. i really should have known better about ALL OF THIS.
help me......... im dying.
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| this evening |
[16 Aug 2008|10:41pm] |
So, in two weeks i start over, officially.
In two weeks, i fly to florida for a day or so, then drive back up with jess.
In two weeks i have my own apartment, a clean slate, and my best friend back.
In a month i turn 21 and start doing things and going places Ive never been before.
But until then.. things will be hard.
I somehow need to pack up my whole room and move with very little help, because i hate asking for it.
I feel so alone right now. Especially due to this whole Joe thing.
Him not inviting me to that party absolutely broke my heart. He wont understand that though, and it doesnt make a difference if he does. But i see the photos from the party posted on facebook and it really bumms me out. I look at him in these pictures, and its like.. i just dont know who he is anymore. He doesnt even look like the same guy to me. Summer rec is over for him, and who knows what his new interest will become. but it wont be me. it cant be. and never will again.
Im in my room, feeling super sad on a Sat night. but its all good. Im just going to miss being in a relationship and being so in love.
At least im starting to drop weight.
I guess i feel so empty because I'm waiting for my next big thrill.
Hope i dont end up waiting too long. Because from what i gather, you dont stumble upon true love many times in a lifetime.
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[14 Aug 2008|01:27am] |
so like...
what you did tonight was SO fucked up. SO uncalled for. and SO proved to me OVER AGAIN that
YOU
ARE
FULL
OF
SHIT.
proved to me AGAIN why i got the restraining. proved to me AGAIN that you are a piece of scum who absolutely does NOT deserve my time.
hell, you know enough people and have enough friends to keep yourself occupied. seriously.
so DO NOT and i REPEAT DO NOT. TALK TO ME. CONTACT ME. FIGHT FOR ME TO NOTICE YOU. NOT AGAIN. NOT ANYMORE. please. spare us both.
because me? yeah im better then you.
and that wont change. especially after you setting yet another example of how your an asshole.
so all your friends? yeah remember when your crying to them about how you need me and miss me, make sure you point out that um, hm, lets see, we're not even FRIENDS and you make ZERO effort to PROVE how you feel. all your special skank friends<33 were there. but, somehow my name didnt get on the list. BY CHOICE. for NO reason. so next time you say omg im amazing i love you we should be together<33. ill remember thats a line of HORSE SHIT.
mental note***
only concider dating or even BEING AROUND people who would invite you to a party or social gathering. when people say they give a fuck then DONT SHOW IT, throw them in the trash.
no. more. fucking. crying.
i dont care how much i love you deep down, your not worth this. and the embarassment you put me through? some of the worse ive ever experienced.
so guess what? hook, line, sinker.
DDDOOONNNEEE.
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| good song. |
[31 Jul 2008|01:08am] |
I'm not scared of you now
Or so i say
There's no reason to run
Although i may
I'm not as sure as i seem
This much i know
What does it mean you leave and i follow
I could try to forget what you do when i let you get
Through to me but then you do it over again
I could rage like a fire and you'd bring rain i desire
Til you get to me on my morningside
Keep my distance i tried
No use
But no matter the miles
I'm back to you
I could try to forget what you do when i let you get
Through to me but then you do it over again
I could rage like a fire and you'd bring rain i desire
Til you get to me on my morningside
Let me down you say never baby blues don't you ever
I'm used to being one with the misfortune to find
Afternoons run for cover and full moons just wonder
What it looks like here on my morningside
Look back don't you dare let me start to do that
I don't care if the things that i have
Only make me afraid to lose i
Need to let go
Need to want to keep letting you know
That we both have a reason to follow
Long as we let this lead i'm barely breathing
I try to forget what you do to me but then you do it over again
I could rage like a fire and you'd bring rain
Til you get to me on my morningside
Let me down you say never baby blues don't you ever
I'm used to being one with the misfortune to find
Afternoons run for cover and full moons just wonder
What it looks like here on my morningside
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[25 Jul 2008|04:12am] |
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is he kidding right now?
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| oh.my.god. |
[25 Jul 2008|02:46am] |
jaw dropping moment tonight......
and i dont know what to think or say.
so i wont think or say anything.
I CANT WAIT TO SHOWER IN THE MORNING AND I HOPE I WAKE UP. I FUCKING SMELL LIKE SHIT. I LIKE TYPING IN ALL CAPS I FEEL LIKE I TYPE FASTER. lol. i like target. and i love liv and sitting at her house online making fun of moochers, ugly, and fat people. mean but, whatevs. not like people dont talk shit about me. I CANT WAIT TO MOVE INTO MY APARTMENT<33333333333333333333333333333333 I REALLY CANT. i wanna work on it tomorrow. i feel like... its so much work and theres like no one to help.. ugh. im frustrated at people lateley. but srsly. liv. if you read this.. i love you.
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[24 Jul 2008|08:37pm] |
his mom is going to bring a lawyer to court and bla bla.
its all about her and her reputation. has nothing to do with my safety, apparently. oh yeah, thats right. i just dd this because i was mad and wanted to win an arguement and make him and his family have a bad reputation. i did this so that i could change my mind after ten days. thats exactly why i did this.
no. i did this because i want him to stay away from me because its what we both need to be healthy. duh, im going to miss the GOOD TIMES. but i will not, i repeat, will NOT miss the bad times. every relationship has bad times but these bad times were way worse then they EVER should be. and they happen WAY too frequently. i loved him. but, it just was not healthy and was not good for me.
hes begging to have me back. just like he did last summer. but hes doing it because he doesnt like the feeling of rejection. hes realizing how much he fucked up. its sad that it took this. me telling him 100 times didnt do it.....
theres so many things wrong with us. it was downward spiral. it just. wont. work. no matter how much we love each other or if we were to fogrive each other. all the grudges will be there. all the jealousy and insecurties will still be there. once he gets comfortable again, he would revert back.
breakups suck but once and for all, this needs to stop. the buck stops here.
and i want my passwords to MY buisiness.
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[23 Jul 2008|10:52pm] |
scooted out of my apt cause i was up there painting alone and the power went out. drove home through floods and shit. scared shit.
i hate life right now..... the clock read something interesting when i left the apartment.
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| id like |
[23 Jul 2008|03:04am] |
the it is pws for the myspace and email.
id like them given to olivia then given to me so i dont have to ask for them in court.
hope he honors that.
id also like create a diversion.
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| today |
[23 Jul 2008|01:28am] |
i got to the new apt aroundddd like 330. the elec wasnt turned on yet. They said itd be between 8am and 430. so, whatever i just kept painting. Kim got there around 7 to help me which was amaaaazing. They we lost natural light around 8, so we stopped painting. I was calling pse&g (pcg) lol kim, like, every 30mins. kim left around 10 cause we were just sitting outside doing nothing, then liv came. which was amazing. FINALLY got elec around 1130 or so? did a little painiting- but didnt finsish the room.
clean up a bit. and bla bla. now im home (at moms house).
Even tho the room I've been working on isn't done yet, it still makes me feel soooo much better. Its starting to feel like my own. Ive got to start taking pictures of the process. Im going to want to remember.
Work tomorrow. Around 2 Ive got to leave to pick up mom and go to my charity care apt to see if they can do anything about my huuuuge hospital bill.
And so on and so on, life goes and goes.
Im so excited to be occupied with my apartment. Its lovely dovely. And really helping me.
no comment.
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[22 Jul 2008|02:04pm] |
do u think a person gets a restraining order because theyre thinking about coming back? people really just dont understand.
sometimes we need to surrender what we want to do, and do what we NEED to do.
i smell and im not showering yet. goin to the apartment to pain my office. gunna be fucking hot up there. gata find my ipod so i have music.
ugh. overslepttttttt.
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[21 Jul 2008|12:58am] |
i love how people lie. even after the fact.
everything is all said and done. its over.
basketball.
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