Screams break

screams_break @ 2008-12-10T22:30:00

2008-12-11T03:30:47Z

i dont feel good today. i feel lowly.

very, very, lowly.

screams_break @ 2008-12-01T02:46:00

2008-12-01T07:52:32Z

ej sarro is everything ive wanted and everything ive needed. never did i think i would find such a gentlemen, and at such a time. i wasnt looking... i wasnt expecting...

and this is what i get-- i get a beautiful gift. i get what i deserve.

and he has found me. and i am just the right fit for him.

this is the "click" ive been waiting forever for. i thought i found it, but.. it was wrong on so many levels. i was forcing it.. and i think he was as well.... we "unclicked" so long before we officially ended it.

i am getting healthier now. i am happier. i hope mister joe finds such a love, and finds such a future. i hope the best for him.

all of his cruel words, statements, bulletins, away messages, whatever the such.... i hope they stop. enough is enough. hes embarassing himself...

lets grow up. lets stop being bitter.

lets end the animosity. enough is enough is enough.

and god is good.

screams_break @ 2008-08-20T09:14:00

2008-08-20T13:17:39Z

i managed to turn yesterday into an amazing dayyyyy.

cag meg & sam
bry enz migz & matt
kim & metro
dunkin, mall, houses, driving.

had such a great day off seeing all these people and living my life. i laughed the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY and all through the night. i needed it. big time. and it felt incredible. i have good life, i realize. and people fucking respect me.

cag meg and kim- thanks. cause i know your reading this.

screams_break @ 2008-08-19T16:29:00

2008-08-19T20:30:39Z

so i facebook messaged that girl liz so she knows the deal. im done with all of this. so done. lets see if she has the decency to be understanding. here it is:
********************************************

ok so u want me to message you? fine and dandy.

first? maybe you get to know me before you judge me. ill give you some facts that you can have some fun with :)

1.i have a degree in interior design.
2.i have an amazing job and i make ass loads of money. fuck, we're designing derek jeters house.
3. just got my own apartment- almost 21 and i can already make it on my own.
4. i have a bomb ass car
5. im really cool. i dont judge anyone. im open minded. easy to get along with. happy go lucky. funny. sensitive. AWESOME.
6. i dont do drugs :)
7. my mom is almost blind, and is really sick. ive been indipendant since 8th grade. so i can hold my own and i dont need anyone to survive.
8. im talented, creative, successful, and inteligent. i can sing. write. and i have a clothing label in develpment.
9. im very down to earth and can be compationate to almost anyones situation and im always listen to peoples problems and try to help them out.
10. i have an amazing group of friends and an amazing family who love me, and theres a reason for it. theyre fucking proud.

so thats basically who i am. oh and i may be chubby right now, but ever stop to think i might have health problems? because thats why ive gained 20 lbs in a year. thanks. so the fat jokes really arent cool.

obviously im something special for joe to have been with for almost three years. the kid and i were in so much love. and he knows it, and after the dust settles, hell always remember me as his very first love.

on the real- i never disliked you or anyone for any reason whatsoever. but when joe starts lying and ditching me when i need him most, to go hang with you people, i associate you guys with that, and of corse it bothers me.

if you must know- i got a restraining order on joe because he was harrasing me and being really nasty. you think im a stalker because i look at my facebook notifications and see you ppl commented? ask joe about how he 'stalked' me in the past.

the kid and i had such an amazing love for each other and we were by each others side through everything.

soooo this summer, he lies to me to chill with you guys, which would be fine if i was told instead of lied to. doesnt invite me to a party even tho i spent the weekend with him. after his 1000000 appologies i figured id let him try to fix things again. all his doing. thats why i dropped the restraining order- i thought hed change.

him and i were supersuper close for 3 years-best friends- so for him to not invite me is a huge dis. it was a rec party? i can name at least 5 ppl who were there that didnt work rec. so- good game. call it what u must. i should have been there. its a respect issue.

and since that day, hes totally blown me off, without closure, aside from this stupid fucking facebook drama.

so, sorry if my panties are in a twist because of this. the kid begged for me back, i gave him that chance, then he fucked me over.

emotional rollercoaster much?

joe and i are done- hes hookin up with some other girl, whatever whatever. and thats fine. but at least i know that i didnt do this. all i tried to do is be with the kid and make shit work and listen to all the things he said to me about how bad he wanted this.

im not a bad person and this shit talking need not continue. i have my shit strait. im good in every aspect of life aside from the fact that joe randomly pulled me back into his life just to break my heart.

so im wrong for being hurt? not really. its natural. and you guys talking mad shit, whether it be to support him or what, is not fucking right. its not tough. and it makes u look like complete bitches.

i gave you ten reasons above why im bomb, and not a scumbag cunt motherfucker to be calling names and talking shit about. so if you continue, realize your lowing yourself for talking shit about a person because of your own issues.

also remember that what goes around, comes around. and when you and jared broke up, if people had done this to you.. it wouldnt make shit easier.

im already going through a breakup as it is where a kid randomly just fucked me over after almost 3 years of memories love and passion, i really dont need the childish name calling.

i commented on the photo to prove a point to HIM. not to instigate shit with you kids. didnt mean for it to seem that way.

and for the record, joe did appologize the next day for not inviting me. so ethically and morally, it IS a fucked up move. and he knows it. no matter how tough it makes him and you guys look, it really is a shitbrick thing to do to someone.

so honestly liz, if you and your friends continue being bitches after im asking you to cut the bull, thats a problem. understand what im going through right now.

if joe wants you, fine. ill admit- your a pretty girl. i wont hate, ill congratulate. have your fun.

but fact remains that i have the world by the balls and its no skin off my back.

enjoy the rest of your summer.

truce.

facebook thread. cruel bitches. real cool. joe- very nice ;)

2008-08-19T19:51:28Z

elicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 8:45pm on August 15th, 2008
i loveee usss

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 9:13pm on August 15th, 2008
okay i really like this onee ♥ im gonna miss all you guyss =[

Joe Schuck (North Jersey, NJ) wrote
at 9:17pm on August 15th, 2008
um... we all live in the same town currently.

and when you move, i don't personally have a problem visiting.

idk about them, but i don't.

Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 12:53am on August 16th, 2008
im gunna visit her joe you can come withh me. road trip!

Tara Puntasecca wrote
at 3:28pm on August 17th, 2008
aww the party i wasnt invited to :(
Delete

Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 4:06pm on August 17th, 2008
hmmm i wonder why....HAHA

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 4:07pm on August 17th, 2008
& whats even funnier is you still showed up hahah! i lovee you silvvvvvvv <333

Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 4:43pm on August 17th, 2008
i think its time to get over it and move on maybe thats why you werent invited && i love my rec lovess

Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 8:12pm on August 17th, 2008
Who the Fuck is Tara Puntasecca?

She didnt work wit us did she? haa

Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 8:26pm on August 17th, 2008
i love you jonn

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 8:28pm on August 17th, 2008
you guys make my life! i love you guyss <33

Joe Schuck (North Jersey, NJ) wrote
at 1:57pm yesterday
LOL John. ah i love you all<3333333

(one 3 for each of you in that heart haha)

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:05pm yesterday
tomorrow night guys were all getting WRECKLESSSS for my goodbye party and goodbye to rec cuz idk if any of us are going back next year im leaving it here cuz i know every1 will get it no excuses you better be there im not gonna leave all the info here but msg.. im.. text.. comment me or jon for infoo get readyyy for a shitt showwwww <333 you guysss

Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:06pm yesterday
comment or message me if u ready to get fucked
this aint a game i am the motherfuckin pussy monster

and if i dont fuck wit u stay home

holllllllllllllllllllla cheyson aka chey-z

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:07pm yesterday
lmfaooo jonn i love you

Joe Schuck (North Jersey, NJ) wrote
at 7:15pm yesterday
AHAHA chey. yeah we shouldn't have done it on this picture, we might get stalked now rofl.

someone just give me a time, i get out of work at around 9. i can be ready 15 minutes from when i get out, and then destruction ensues.. oh my fucking god i'm gonna get tanked :)

(no bathroom sleeping this time though)

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:19pm yesterday
no bathroom sleeping joe thats rule #1 this time and why do you think i said im not writing any info here thats for all the pathetic creepers who just likee to show up at parties when their clearly not wanted there dont worry i got your back joee! get readyyy i dont think im ready im gonna be swassstedddddd kidsss =]

Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:22pm yesterday
yay im so excited & this time no stalkers thank you very much ;]

Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 7:22pm yesterday
i guess i cant come cause jon doesnt fuck with me no more ?

Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:23pm yesterday
your coming you cant have the tripod show up withouut youu

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:24pm yesterday
your comming this is my going away party idc what jon says.. yes i said it idc what you say chey shes comming

Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:26pm yesterday
Dont call me Chey or Jon call me Mr. LawnMowerrrr

Fear - 2 teams ( 1 guys 1 Girls)

Deck of cards in middle, each person from the teams choose a card..person with lowest card looses and the Winning team chooses a dare for them...You dont have to do the dare but if you dont you have to replace it with 2 shots

Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:27pm yesterday
im down me liz and silve against you joe and alexx i think we will win ;]

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:27pm yesterday
& baseball babieeeeee getting "super crunk" in "mr. lawnmowers" words

Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:28pm yesterday
im fucking readyyy for tomorrow

Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:29pm yesterday
who said silv can come? lmfaooo

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:30pm yesterday
i did screw you jon if silv doesnt come neither will me or fe so have fun at your sausage fest

Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:31pm yesterday
idc ill have other bitches there are u stupid?

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:32pm yesterday
okay you do that f u peace

Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 7:33pm yesterday
nooo girls its ok goooo. we can party another time.im a stupid lyin bitch im not welcomed. go get fucked up for me =)

Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:34pm yesterday
lmaoooooo im not worrrrried

so u guys stop crying just come idc whos there its not that seriussssssss

and if u ahve my sn stop commenting this photo lol its annnoyin

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:34pm yesterday
im not going if you dont so im not worried let them invite other girls will get fucked up here without them =]

Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 7:36pm yesterday
ok then liz peace

Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 7:40pm yesterday
lizzzzzzz please this party is for u. just goooooo its not that serious.wednesday night well have a grls night ! .. u cant jus not show up to ur own partyyy lol

Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:42pm yesterday
i love you all jon says he doesnt care who goes so we are all going and girls we are going ot kick their asses in fear,pong,baseball and whatver else they want to play hah

Joe Schuck (North Jersey, NJ) wrote
at 7:46pm yesterday
The day you guys beat us in anything more than make-up, I'll kill myself haha.

And I'm not going if silv doesn't go. And that means potts doesn't go either :)

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:47pm yesterday
im pretty sick at baseball ask fe silv and jon so get readyy

Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 7:47pm yesterday
everyone is going everyone need to stop this madness

Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 7:48pm yesterday
guys enough with the comments lol.. joeee ur goinggg.. homie u live right around the block illl see ya sooon !! its not that serious.joe watch out for liz shes sick in baseballl lol

Tara Puntasecca wrote
at 9:59pm yesterday
oookay, sons of bitches.

you dont know me. you dont know the situation him and i were in. you dont know MY side. so go ahead, judge, make fun, say whatever shit you want. but your ignorant for it.

because im amazing and so much better then all of this.
Delete

Tara Puntasecca wrote
at 10:01pm yesterday
and if you want to talk shit, get my number from joe, and call me. say it TO me instead of ganging up on me with your peabrains to try and make me feel small.

scum suckin worms:)

over it.
Delete

Felicia Spinella (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 12:36am
if oyu are so amazing, better then this and over it why are you leaving comments just ignore us then if were just scum sucking worms. if you really want to start with the name calling we can all start calling each names you stupid whale. and your side is that he ditches you every summer for us. if you werent such a crazy bitch then maybe he wouldnt have to lie to you. therefore im done wiht this fight. i love you all thanks byee

Silvia Raguseo (Montclair) wrote
at 12:42am
ur the one who walked into the party thinkin u owned the place. it was a summer rec party, last time i checked u werent my coworker. ur amazing nd so much better then this? HA come on ur the one who commented the pics first. maybe u should stop blaming ur failed relationship on others, check urself honey. oh man im scurrd now r u gnna put a restraining order on me now??

♥ the scum suckin worm ;)

Jonathan Chey (Montclair) wrote
at 4:06am
no1 fucks wit silv fee or liz so this tara chick is fucking annoyin

look ma stop talkkin to my girls no1 fucks wit u and thats it holy fucking shittt eeryone stop commeting this fuckin pics and lets jus get fuckin super fucked uppppppppppppp on tuess

Joe Schuck (North Jersey, NJ) wrote
at 11:39am
Listen. Can we all just stop fucking commenting this god damn picture?? Every time I get stalked and commented, my fucking inbox gets filled up. Chey wins, they lose.

STOP STALKING MEEEEE

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 12:14pm
first off i love alll of you fe silv jon & joe! you make my fucking life! and just cuz everyone else commented it im going to =]

alright i know you think your all special or something cuz your joes ex girlfriend thinking your hot shit commenting our pictures from a party that you clearly weren't invited to and showed up anyways and no i dont know you but i dont need to know you if any one is a scum sucking worm (which was really creative btw you sound like a fucking two year old) its you.. showing up at joes house calling him out in front of all of us thinking your the shit welll listen honey your not! you wanna know the fucking truth wanna know why every summer your realtionship with joe went to shit because I was there.. your boyfriend wanted ME every summer.. and i really think you should leave him alone now he clearly is with someone else as you say last night.. haha

Elizabeth Keating (Ridgefield Park High School) wrote
at 12:16pm
so if your gonna message anyone blaming failed realtionships on them it should be me not fe because im amazing and so much better then YOU. clearly have a nice day =]

screams_break @ 2008-08-19T10:36:00

2008-08-19T14:50:41Z

nightmare. tell me it was just a nightmare. tell me this is all jsut a bad dream..

no ones going to tell me...

to see him kiss her like that. and knowing theyve only known each other for, whatd he say, 4 days? if he was kissing her so passionately outside before she left... what were they doing when they were in the house together.......

i cant handle this. i really cant. there was no closure... what did i EVER REALLY DO TO HIM? i cried when my lips hit another guys lips last summer. but he sure didnt look like he was crying......

i tried moving on last summer because i felt i HAD to. not because i wanted to. here again... he wanted to.

its not even like they went out to a movie or anything. he had her in his house, late at night... and im sure they both knew why.

im disgusted. especially after thinking about what we did a week ago.... has he just forgotton?

i never thought one single person could destroy me like this.

how did he meet her? why are things moving so fast with them? is she just a rebound? is he really not thinking about me..........

granted i know the relationship was terrible this summer. but i cant say it was all my fault. if he hadnt been acting how he was.. i wouldnt have had to put a restraining order. late june i remember all i wanted was to spend quality time with him. i saw in june that things were starting to get bad.

i knew that night at fridays when he told me that hed be doing summer rec, that this would be a terrible summer. in june he had been playing alot of wow and taking eric with us everywhere we went and we fought about it then because i wanted quality time with him. i wanted adult time. i wanted to go on dates... i wanted him. i wanted to experience him. as i always did.... i drove there almost every night, over and over again, for 3 years to experience life WITH him. and i blew alot of people off to do that. but it was worth it to me....

when he needed his space in July, i knew something was up. i knew something was wrong inside of him. i just knew it. he chose a different path......... the life he wanted to live didnt have room for me in it....

i close my eyes and i see him kissing her.......... i shudder. i shake. i tremble.

i feel like my heart is on crutches. theres a constant thump in my chest. actually, my hearts fallen down into my stomach. i just looked across the room and saw alfred winston...........

did he already get her an alfred winston? do they already have jokes? has he layed there holding her hand....

i bet she layed on MY spot on his chest.

i never deserved any of this.................

i cant even function. todays my day off and i just cant move. i have things to do but i just cant get up. i slept for 5 hours and i might as well not have. every time i woke up in the middle of the night, that thump was still in my chest.

i need someone to hold me.... i need someone to make me feel worthwile again.

i need someone to give a fuck. i need someone to see that im NOT a bad person and all i ever wanted was love. thats the only thing i ever wanted. i tried my best to make him happy. i thought getting this new job would be it for us.

will he be taking her to grand luxe cafe? will he be taking her to see badal................

tears are streaming down my face. how can he watch our movies with someone else? will SHE be allowed up in his room with him? will his parents like her better.......

i think theyd like a rooster over me.

i wish i could feel my limbs. i wish i could be a big girl about this and stop crying.

but i also wish i had my true love back.

i wish none of this ever happened and life would give us two a second chance, and erase all the garbage that happened.

i wish he understood what im going through, enough to appologize......

i wish i can hear his voice and make him laugh and take him to the cliffs and relive the first kiss again. i wish i could bring him miclas. i wish i could do all theses things we did all over again. i wish i could replay the good times with him from the last 3 years of my life.

i wish i was better... i wish i knew better... i wish i was the kind of girl that would make him want to be a better man.

to think... hes probably okay with his friends calling me a whale and all this shit. hes okay with hurting me and hes ok with other people he knows hurting me. how is it, that in a week, in a MONTH even, someone can go from loving you dearly to absolutely hating you and being a total DOUCHEBAG.

i dont deserve this..................................................................

im a sensitive soul who wants to find her counterpart.

all ive wanted since i was five was someone to hold me and love me forever. looks like im heartbroken again. looks like im a loser again. looks like im a FOOL. once. again.

screams_break @ 2008-08-19T05:31:00

2008-08-19T09:36:41Z

i believe i counted 10 photos of us kissing in that video.

if i had known it was going to come to this, i would have taken more.

i would have taken way more.

no kisses will ever be shared between us again....

never again will i taste you tasting me.

i should have taken more photos.. i should have done a lot of things..

i should have seen this coming..

i dont know if i can ever kiss another.

i dont know if i will ever be able to sleep.

its 5:33 am.

im traumatized...

i'd rather be in a car wreck. because at least then, people give a fuck if your in pain..

maybe if i died youd show up at my funeral...

idk how im supposed to move out in 2 weeks.

this apartment im moving into was supposed to be yours, mine, and kims.

i should have known right away when you backed out of that, that you would shortly be doing this to me...

i should have seen all the signs....

but im not a superhero. i cant see through bullshit. how was i to know THIS was on the other side of all the lies about love you were feeding me.

maybe i should stop breathing.

maybe then hed care about what he did to me...

and more importantly, what he did to my heart...... and my soul.

oh, god, help me.

i never thought life would torture my heart. i never expected this.

2008-08-19T08:25:10Z

i went to his house to talk to him, to clear things up, to see how he was. because he had been ignoring me again....

so i go there, thinking im waiting for someone to drop him off back at home from a party and instead this is what i see.....

the door opens. he and a girl walk down his front stairs. he walks her around the corner to where her car was... so i figure.. okay, ill wait for him to come back towards his house and ill talk to him. but, theyre taking a while. and at that point idk what to do. so i look around the corner and i see her laying down in the back seat and hes on top of her kissing her. i started to panic.

i never thought id ever have to see anything like that. i never though hed ever do something like this to me...

so i wait and wait and it feels like forever. then she finally leaves and i get a chance to talk to him... and he doesnt have a heart in his chest. he doesnt care about how devisted i am or how wrong or fucked up he is.

this whole summer... he dicked me around. he needed breaks from me to go to parties, he treated me like shit until his birthday rolled around and he wanted me to go out with his family. then he tries to mend thing, and i let him. until one day he got real bad, and scared me, and i had to put the restraining order on him. then, he writes all these lovely things in livejournal and makes a movie of all out pictures and shows that he really wants me back. and again i give him another chance to hang with me and prove his love... with actions, instead of text and words. i spend a weekend with him which went pretty well, until monday when he flips on me causing to flip on me and really upset me because hes put me on such an emotional roller coaster.

he doesnt invite me to his party and humiliates me. then doesnt talk to me for a few days....

when realy, i did NOTHING to deserve any of this......

and then i see what i saw tonight....

its 4 am and im still awake. and hes sleeping sound with thoughts of this new girl.

i dont know who she is, or care really. because shes not at fault. he is...

there was never closure on us, Joe. all i know is i was mad at you for not inviting me to the party and then you stopped talking to me.... and still wont. because of her....

i didnt deserve any of this....

all i wanted was a beautiful relationship, which we had. at times.. and its something that there was plenty of potential for... but, i dont even know.

i feel like im laying in the dirt and people keep coming up and beating on me.

i wish i knew what happened to my joey. i wish i knew what made him change... i wish i knew what made him fall out of love with me. i wish i knew the answers to everything.

something i will never understand is, how a person can genuinly stop caring about a person who they loved so much, and who loved them back. i cried so much tonight that i have no tears left and my mouth is dry.

ive never felt so terrible in my life. my chest feels hollow. i gave my heart, and my all to someone, and they ate it for breakfast.

he kissed another girl tonight.

his lips are saturated with another girls lust.

i dont get any of this lkfsd;lfkgeorigaef;gkl.

why did he hang out with me last week? to have sex with me? to use me? to what, joe?

i still see 23 everywhere. it makes my head spin......

we had so many plans. but they have all gone sour.

i dont know how i kept my cool tonight. i dont know how i just stood there shaking. i dont know how i didnt go over there and ruin it for him. i wish it was 2005 again, and he still thought i was special. and i wish i could hear him call me taramonster one last time.

i dont think anyone should ever have to experience this. seeing someone youve loved for 3 years kissing another girl. being with another girl. moving on. just a week after your lips were pressed so firmly together, holding each other tight, with hope that we would make it through this storm.

apparently, im not worth it. and its ok.... because hopefully before i die, ill be worth it to someone. someone will be enchanted by me....

i dont know how im supposed to function anymore. i dont know how im supposed to eat or smile or.... love again.

i dont think ill ever be ready to love again. love burned me. he burned me. and i think love is a joke now...

and this is coming from me, tara, the girl who all through high school wanted to bad to find her romeo. she waited and waited and finally.. he came. and he was just right. she found someone to cuddle with and smootch and go places with and hold hands with. someone to amaze with her words and someone to laugh with. someone to care about. i found someone to go places with and experience life with. i found someone who kept my heart beating. i found someone who ...........

i cant continue. im somehow able to cry again. i thought i was all cried out.........

<//////////////3

screams_break @ 2008-08-18T21:52:00

2008-08-19T01:56:26Z

un.fucking.believable.

the comments and shit that these people and that asshole were posting on facebook were UNBELIEVABLE.

like they have ANY idea what him and i went through.

i dont know who his away message is about but whoever it is, i hope theyre worth all this crap. 'o dear. its only been three days and im longing to feel your embrace'. who knows anymore.

its probably liz.

all i know, is it absolutely has to be a girl. i just know it. i know it.

i knew i shouldnt have came on the computer tonight.

and i should have known better about everything else.

i should have known better then to hang out with him. i just.. i really should have known better about ALL OF THIS.

help me......... im dying.

this evening

2008-08-17T03:15:27Z

So, in two weeks i start over, officially.

In two weeks, i fly to florida for a day or so, then drive back up with jess.

In two weeks i have my own apartment, a clean slate, and my best friend back.

In a month i turn 21 and start doing things and going places Ive never been before.

But until then.. things will be hard.

I somehow need to pack up my whole room and move with very little help, because i hate asking for it.

I feel so alone right now. Especially due to this whole Joe thing.

Him not inviting me to that party absolutely broke my heart. He wont understand that though, and it doesnt make a difference if he does. But i see the photos from the party posted on facebook and it really bumms me out. I look at him in these pictures, and its like.. i just dont know who he is anymore. He doesnt even look like the same guy to me. Summer rec is over for him, and who knows what his new interest will become. but it wont be me. it cant be. and never will again.

Im in my room, feeling super sad on a Sat night. but its all good. Im just going to miss being in a relationship and being so in love.

At least im starting to drop weight.

I guess i feel so empty because I'm waiting for my next big thrill.

Hope i dont end up waiting too long. Because from what i gather, you dont stumble upon true love many times in a lifetime.

screams_break @ 2008-08-14T01:27:00

2008-08-14T05:34:59Z

so like...

what you did tonight was SO fucked up. SO uncalled for. and SO proved to me OVER AGAIN that

YOU

ARE

FULL

OF

SHIT.

proved to me AGAIN why i got the restraining. proved to me AGAIN that you are a piece of scum who absolutely does NOT deserve my time.

hell, you know enough people and have enough friends to keep yourself occupied. seriously.

so DO NOT and i REPEAT DO NOT. TALK TO ME. CONTACT ME. FIGHT FOR ME TO NOTICE YOU. NOT AGAIN. NOT ANYMORE. please. spare us both.

because me? yeah im better then you.

and that wont change. especially after you setting yet another example of how your an asshole.

so all your friends? yeah remember when your crying to them about how you need me and miss me, make sure you point out that um, hm, lets see, we're not even FRIENDS and you make ZERO effort to PROVE how you feel. all your special skank friends<33 were there. but, somehow my name didnt get on the list. BY CHOICE. for NO reason. so next time you say omg im amazing i love you we should be together<33. ill remember thats a line of HORSE SHIT.

mental note***

only concider dating or even BEING AROUND people who would invite you to a party or social gathering. when people say they give a fuck then DONT SHOW IT, throw them in the trash.

no. more. fucking. crying.

i dont care how much i love you deep down, your not worth this. and the embarassment you put me through? some of the worse ive ever experienced.

so guess what? hook, line, sinker.

DDDOOONNNEEE.

good song.

2008-07-31T05:08:39Z

I'm not scared of you now
Or so i say
There's no reason to run
Although i may
I'm not as sure as i seem
This much i know
What does it mean you leave and i follow

I could try to forget what you do when i let you get
Through to me but then you do it over again
I could rage like a fire and you'd bring rain i desire
Til you get to me on my morningside

Keep my distance i tried
No use
But no matter the miles
I'm back to you

I could try to forget what you do when i let you get
Through to me but then you do it over again
I could rage like a fire and you'd bring rain i desire
Til you get to me on my morningside

Let me down you say never baby blues don't you ever
I'm used to being one with the misfortune to find
Afternoons run for cover and full moons just wonder
What it looks like here on my morningside

Look back don't you dare let me start to do that
I don't care if the things that i have
Only make me afraid to lose i
Need to let go
Need to want to keep letting you know
That we both have a reason to follow
Long as we let this lead i'm barely breathing

I try to forget what you do to me but then you do it over again
I could rage like a fire and you'd bring rain
Til you get to me on my morningside

Let me down you say never baby blues don't you ever
I'm used to being one with the misfortune to find
Afternoons run for cover and full moons just wonder
What it looks like here on my morningside

screams_break @ 2008-07-25T04:12:00

2008-07-25T08:12:27Z

is he kidding right now?

oh.my.god.

2008-07-25T06:51:03Z

jaw dropping moment tonight......

and i dont know what to think or say.

so i wont think or say anything.

I CANT WAIT TO SHOWER IN THE MORNING AND I HOPE I WAKE UP. I FUCKING SMELL LIKE SHIT. I LIKE TYPING IN ALL CAPS I FEEL LIKE I TYPE FASTER. lol. i like target. and i love liv and sitting at her house online making fun of moochers, ugly, and fat people. mean but, whatevs. not like people dont talk shit about me. I CANT WAIT TO MOVE INTO MY APARTMENT<33333333333333333333333333333333 I REALLY CANT. i wanna work on it tomorrow. i feel like... its so much work and theres like no one to help.. ugh. im frustrated at people lateley. but srsly. liv. if you read this.. i love you.

screams_break @ 2008-07-24T20:37:00

2008-07-25T00:51:37Z

his mom is going to bring a lawyer to court and bla bla.

its all about her and her reputation. has nothing to do with my safety, apparently. oh yeah, thats right. i just dd this because i was mad and wanted to win an arguement and make him and his family have a bad reputation. i did this so that i could change my mind after ten days. thats exactly why i did this.

no. i did this because i want him to stay away from me because its what we both need to be healthy. duh, im going to miss the GOOD TIMES. but i will not, i repeat, will NOT miss the bad times. every relationship has bad times but these bad times were way worse then they EVER should be. and they happen WAY too frequently. i loved him. but, it just was not healthy and was not good for me.

hes begging to have me back. just like he did last summer. but hes doing it because he doesnt like the feeling of rejection. hes realizing how much he fucked up. its sad that it took this. me telling him 100 times didnt do it.....

theres so many things wrong with us. it was downward spiral. it just. wont. work. no matter how much we love each other or if we were to fogrive each other. all the grudges will be there. all the jealousy and insecurties will still be there. once he gets comfortable again, he would revert back.

breakups suck but once and for all, this needs to stop. the buck stops here.

and i want my passwords to MY buisiness.

screams_break @ 2008-07-23T22:52:00

2008-07-24T02:57:01Z

scooted out of my apt cause i was up there painting alone and the power went out. drove home through floods and shit. scared shit.

i hate life right now..... the clock read something interesting when i left the apartment.

id like

2008-07-23T07:05:48Z

the it is pws for the myspace and email.

id like them given to olivia then given to me so i dont have to ask for them in court.

hope he honors that.

id also like create a diversion.

today

2008-07-23T05:45:15Z

i got to the new apt aroundddd like 330. the elec wasnt turned on yet. They said itd be between 8am and 430. so, whatever i just kept painting. Kim got there around 7 to help me which was amaaaazing. They we lost natural light around 8, so we stopped painting. I was calling pse&g (pcg) lol kim, like, every 30mins. kim left around 10 cause we were just sitting outside doing nothing, then liv came. which was amazing. FINALLY got elec around 1130 or so? did a little painiting- but didnt finsish the room.

clean up a bit. and bla bla. now im home (at moms house).

Even tho the room I've been working on isn't done yet, it still makes me feel soooo much better. Its starting to feel like my own. Ive got to start taking pictures of the process. Im going to want to remember.

Work tomorrow. Around 2 Ive got to leave to pick up mom and go to my charity care apt to see if they can do anything about my huuuuge hospital bill.

And so on and so on, life goes and goes.

Im so excited to be occupied with my apartment. Its lovely dovely. And really helping me.

no comment.

screams_break @ 2008-07-22T14:04:00

2008-07-22T18:05:50Z

do u think a person gets a restraining order because theyre thinking about coming back? people really just dont understand.

sometimes we need to surrender what we want to do, and do what we NEED to do.

i smell and im not showering yet. goin to the apartment to pain my office. gunna be fucking hot up there. gata find my ipod so i have music.

ugh. overslepttttttt.

screams_break @ 2008-07-21T00:58:00

2008-07-21T04:59:43Z

i love how people lie. even after the fact.

everything is all said and done. its over.

basketball.

i hate life today

2008-07-21T04:36:01Z

my mom is a nag and i cant wait to move.

i ordered some stuff for the apt today. i cant wait to have my own home. omg.

my heart is heavy. i slept alot today.

im.so.sad.

i hate life today.

i dont know where to begin

2008-07-20T19:49:58Z

I think life is so precious, so beautiful. i think things you experience are more important then things you have. going to the zoo with your last 20 dollars, having fun, and learning is more important then paying off the balance on your credit card or stocking up on toilet paper. We make choices in this life, the littlest choices, that can change everything. 20 dollars alone is enough to change everything. 20 dollars can get you to the city with a group of your friends, buy u lunch and still leave you 5 bucks to blow and memories to last you forever. The most important things to me are the things we cannot see. Things we cannot put a price on.

And i will always cater to those invisible things. I will always leave my house at 2am if someone i know is in trouble. I never leave a good conversation because i have work in the morning. i will be at the hospital the second i know someone i care about is in there. i will do the most irrisponsible things sometimes, as long as i get a good time and a good memory from it. Usually money is what holds us back. And even if it means my bills arent always payed off and my credit balances arent down to zero.

i love to laugh. and i love to love and be loved.

even if i die poor, at least i know i loved and laughed. This isnt my philosophy because im not going anywhere in life. Because i am- and im going far. Its my philosophy because at the end of the day i know that laughing and loving is what we're all looking for, underneith all the bullshit and distractions and things we get consumed with.

I met a boy in Oct of 05 that gave me butterflies and made me feel whole. My very first real boyfriend. My very first real relationship. I wanted to do it right, and right by him. Little did i know that eventually, it would change me.

Throughout the relationship there were various things he wanted to me eliminate. Choice friends, social networking websites, my strength, and some other things here and there. He wanted to take this girl he met and make her what we wanted- MAKE her perfect. His insecurities preached to him 'if these things are there, shes more likely to leave'. He fought for these things to be gone in order to protect himself. He did not feel or realize, that i would not be with him if i did not want to be. He did not know that you cannot give ultimatums. He did not know, and still does not know that you cannot change a persons way of life. Instead, you find that person thats perfect just the way you found them, and you love them up. You apprieciate their strengths and weaknesses. That person will make mistakes and you express yourself, and hope that everything works out. You have faith in that person. And their love.

We were doomed from the start. But didnt realize it. What i wanted was him to love me up and kiss me all over just for being Tara. He loved a lot of things about me and he treated me like so. But he wasnt the one. I just didnt know any better.

We broke up and i got back together and broke up and i got back together.

What hes been for the past couple of weeks is the complete opposite of what he was through the relationship. He did all sorts of things that he accused me of doing or expected me to do. He lied, snuck behind my back, cared more about partying and getting wasted then his girlfriend who wanted to do nothing other then spend good times with him, he talked to other girls, and he treated me like garbage. Hes called me names and verbally abused me in the past, and i took it. Why? because i loved him and figured hed change and learn that that is wrong to do. That no matter who you are or WHAT youve done, you do not have the right to treat someone that way. Hes very manipulative. He messes up, then wins me back. Hes done it a million times. Because i loved our love. But how its been recently is unhealthy. and its scary....

The ways hes been talking to me are ways i never imagined would come from his mouth, or from anyone. The names he calls me, the tone he talks in, the way he degrades me and disrepects me. Not even my worst enemines talk to me that way... He's changed into something that scares the shit out of me... He thinks he has the right. One time he said that he does that and calls me names in order to hurt me back, because i hurt him somehow.

He thinks 'hurting him' is staying home one night because im tired. Or going to lunch with one of my girlfriends. Or an old friend STRICTLY pletonic saying hey to me online. The things i do to 'hurt him' have been getting more and more plentiful. And ive been getting treated like scum more and more. it would make me cry and work after reading his texts. it made me cry at the hospital because he didnt come. i never thought someone could love me so much at one point, then treat me like he hates me at another.

I dont know what he is thinking right now... but what i hope hes thinking is that he regrets ever leaving me nasty voicemails, being mean to me, and not giving me the time of day. I hope he realizes that he cannot treat a person the way he treated me... and i hope he never does it again. to anyone. I hope he learns to be respectful and compasionate.

what hurts the most is that he wont take responsibility for it. I didnt go to the police because i wanted to be spiteful or scare him. I did it because it was the only way i can ensure that he will leave me alone. I cannot bring his anger towards me home. I cannot bring it to work. And if i kept taking it i would end up in the hospital again. He left me a message totally playing down the fact that i was in there. I know he will play down how hurt i am, too. But.. thats his problem and it cannot be mine. I need to be healthy. I need to learn how to love myself again. I need to have friends again. I need to enjoy life and not get that knot in my chest. That blockage. That pain. He thinks that im talking to other guys. I know he does. He thinks im doing this for other reasons, im sure. And im almost positive that he will not feel sorry for what hes done to me and will make every excuse in the book for his behavior. He will hate me for this. But really, he should hate himself.

The officer that helped me said that if he wants to play big boy games, hes going to be treated like a big boy. He told me, dont do what women do. Dont think 'ohhh i did something to make him act this way, and maybe i was wrong'. because no, i cannot feel bad. because there is NO excuse to treat someone that way.

I hate that i loved him so much, and still do. I hate that all i wanted the past couple of weeks was his love, and i got the exact opposite. I told him to leave me alone a million times yesterday, and he didnt. I had to do this. I had to end his communication with me before he snapped.

Hes going to make himself hate me. But i know somewhere in that heart of his, he knows i was the best girl hes ever been with and that im a beautiful, amazing, special person who deserves the best. One day, hell realize this. One day, itll hit him. And hopefully, he'll learn from this. Hopefully he wont put anyone else through this.

ONE DAY HE WILL REALIZE THAT I DID NOT DESERVE THIS. ONE DAY HELL REALIZE THAT ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS LOVE, LAUGH, AND BE LOVED. One day hell realize what he lost, because of what he did. And one day down the line, hell think of me and smile. And think 'Yeah.. she really did deserve to be treated like a queen.'

His family is going to badmouth me until the end of time and hes going to be doing the same. But really, only him and i know what we had, and what it turned into. And at least, now i know, that i am safe. And i will not fall back into the same trap.

Now, all i need to do is stop loving him. And stop crying.

Im sorry for my mistakes. Im sorry for not being perfect. I am sorry for wanting to love you. I am sorry this had to happen this way, and i am sorry that you are not sorry.

1 0 2 3 0 5. A number i will never forget- The deadliest number i know.

I will be okay. I promise. And so will he..

life, lately

2008-07-15T07:09:06Z

So lately has been alright.

I feel like a whole new, grounded, person. refreshed and anew. all because of artistic tile. i LOVE being there. i love what i do. i love the people, and i love how comfortable i can be. they say, dont do something for a living you dont love because, no matter how much money you make, you wont be happy. well how is it that ive managed to fall into something that pays well AND makes me happy. ew, perfect!

i move out in a month and a half. this week, ive been shopping online a lot, and trying to come up with a lovely design for the apartment. i plan on having a wine and cheese housewarming party my first week. ive been talking to jess, and if she moves back here, shed be the perfect roomate. people are saying im not ready for this but what they dont realize is, im actually long overdue for a change of such preportions. people think that im not ready because of the money. but it doesnt scare me. yeah, itll be tight and i cant go blow my load on a friday night, but ill be fine.

liv and i have been hanging out alot lately and i fucking love her. after jess left, i felt like ,ugh motherfucker shes so hard to replace wtf. well, she is. but, having liv around fills the void better then some other people have. i feel like so many people i know are so selfish. so many people just dont give a fuck about their friends, they only pretend. liv- she cares. she gives a fuck. she gets it. love her.

ive been questioning the world alot lately. it scares me. theres SO many thing i want to do. so many places i want to go. and i want to be sure im using my life in a way i wont regret. im going to be 21 and i have alot to show for it. but i know that i could do better. go more places, see more things, meet more people, think differently, learn more. moving out will cirtainly help that along. but i guess what im getting at is, i refuse to waste away.... i refuse to have regrets.

joe and i are joe and i. i cant get into it.

but im scared. im scared of what ill be.

its hard to feel one way one day and another way the next.

i dont know if i have a solid gut feeling about much anymore.

fresh prince<3

tomorrow i go to the gyno to find out whats wrong with my vagina and why i havent had my period in 4 fucking months. wee!

tonight

2008-07-03T06:16:36Z

so for the past week joes neglected to see me and has ignored me.
has hardly given any time of day. i kept calling him and texting and iwould get answers like 'give me my space, i need my space to clear my head' bla bla, as if he was the victim. reguardless of how hard i was crying to him.

says hes been really stressed by me lately.

so. long story short.

tonight, i crashed his house right before he was going out. got him to tell me where he was going. 'out with alex'. then got him to tell me... its to a party. prob told me cause another girl was on her way to drive them there as it was and shit and didnt wanna get caught in a lie.

i was livid. hes been 'so busy and bla bla' but... he can have time to go party with a buncha chicks from his job? oooookay no thanks. i cried to liv on the phone and someone she made me feel better.

so i come home and eat dinner and hang out.

im on facebook and what do i see? tagged photos of him hanging out partying with the same ppl he was with tonight. FAN. TASTIC.

so, i put two and two together. sunday his phone just so happened to be off until 2 am. i was up until about 4. at 330, i tried calling and it was on. well, well. so on monday i confronted him about it and he said he fell asleep (cause he was starting his new job at summer rec at 8am) then woke up and 2 and realized his phone was off and turned it on and set an alarm. i knew right off the bat that was a bogus story. turns out, he was out partying with the summer rec girls until 2am, didnt think hed get caught.

so. ive been lied to. ignored. and made into a fool. ive been played, pretty much. he needed'time off' to clear his head but really, its so he can go do some of this shit. bla bla.

so now that i feel like a fool............

i have serious health probs. for the past few months ive had
no period
extreme weight gain
abdominal pain (which i know are ovarian cysts)
hormone inbalences
dizzy/woozy spells
muscle pain

i might be diabettic.
i might need surgery to remove cysts.
i might have hypothyroid.

tomorrow im getting my blood tested and seeing a doctor.

ive needed joe lately and he bailed on me during a crucial time.........

im so over it.....

well, at least im doing well at my job.

im still trying to get this appartment.

the end.

oh and we're broken up.

new.

2008-06-08T08:35:18Z

430am.
cant sleep.. wont be able to.

i broke up with joe last night.

emotionally, i cant do it any more and it doesnt make much sense to..

ill be ok ill be ok ill be ok ill be ok

i just need to keep repeating that.

im awesome. i dont need him i dont need him i dont need him.

i look forward to a life where people close to me dont hurt me on a reg basis...

i look forward to losing weight, and being good at my job, and growing & evolving as a person.

i dont need guys in any way shape or form.

im empowered. i can do this. i can be TARA.

i cant take his games. i know exactly what hes going to do and i cant have any of it.

it was a good run. i learned so much.

my heart just cant handle it anymore.

its time to HEAL.